Wish (wĭsh)(v.): to want; desire; long for

Around this time of year, every year, wish list requests begin to float in. My parents want to know, Nana wants to know, Guy's parents want to know. I often get asked the question, What are you wishing for this holiday season? This year I only have two things to request and they won't fit in the stocking hung on the mantel.

Number One: A quick, easy and successful bone marrow transplant for Spencer. If I get nothing else for Christmas for the rest of my life, this will be enough. To think that this could be to solidified end to his ten year battle with cancer is incredible and such a blessing. And a perfect match? 10 out of 10? What an amazing Christmas gift for our family and friends.

Number Two: A better year in 2009, for myself, Guy and our families who have suffered greatly in the midst of great joy this year. I hope the coming year is full of love, hope and a sense of peace that has at times escaped us in 2008. We have so much to look forward to! Getting married, Spencer's improved health, my graduation from college, a honeymoon in Europe, married life (a double edged sword, or so I've been told) and so much more.

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."-How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Dr. Seuss

Prince (prĭns) (n):A male member of a royal family other than the monarch, especially a son of the monarch.

"Prince John"

This is Prince John, a miniature schnauzer poodle mix that my parents rescued this summer. He is the sweetest dog. I took this picture of him not to long ago and really like it.

Scout (skout) (n.) :A watcher or sentinel.

This is Scout. She is a 5 month old miniature schnauzer (aka little hellfire). Don't let the innocent face fool you. She spends most of her time driving older brother Cooper completely nuts. So far she has been testing our patience and burrowing her way deep into our hearts. We absolutely love our new addition.

PS: sorry for the sort of terrible picture. She doesn't sit still for very long.

Shiver (shĭv'ər) (adj.): to shake or tremble with cold, fear, excitement, etc

Shiver
by Rachel Brandt

"Wake up. Come on. Its time to get up."
His voice is sweet and soft
Mr brother stands beside him
a twin born thirty years late
He is bundled in mittens,
scarf and jacket.

It is cold outside
the air, still and frigid
No streetlight
pitch black
"Careful , don't trip."

My breath comes out in
sharp misty clouds before me
Lying down, the concrete below me is solid
flat. Like a frozen lake in January
The crinkle crunch of my jacket
breaks the silence

The three of us, we lie in a row
Three tiny dots on the earth's surface
calm as we wait for the world
to shatter
Shivering, we watch, anticipation
a hand flies up "There!"
a star falls
burning out of existence

Out loud we wish on each one
"Its a meteor, you know, not even a star" I say
"Just pretend for a while" is his reply
So I do

Hope (hōp) (n.):the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best:

My faith has been exhausted. Hope is all I've got left and let me tell you, it is in short supply. I knew this day was coming. I've known for a week. I am waiting for that feeling of utter devastation to wash over me and yet nothing. I can feel nothing. I have run out of tears, but not for long I know. For the first time in a long time I truly believe ignorance is bliss. I've always been that curious kid. The one with all the questions; the just because questions. Now, I don't want to know. What don't I want to know? I don't want to know that my baby brother has cancer for the third time in his sixteen year life and that the following months are going to be hard on us all, especially him.

His prognosis meeting was today. He's relapsed although that much we already know. He will have chemotherapy, starting when his leukemia cells hit 25%. They are at 10% now. They caught this pretty much as early as they could have which is always a good thing. He has an echocardiogram tomorrow and after that its sort of a waiting game. They are looking for a bone marrow donor. I don't match although we do have the same blood type which may come in handy in the future. Hopefully we will get a more detailed timeline within the next two weeks. He can't go back to school in the fall and they've already started working with a social worker to set up something, probably a guided independent study program. The doctor are confident. My parents are confident. Spencer is confident. I am confident. We can do this.

He looks so healthy. You would never look at him and think that kid's sick. It seems like every few minutes I find myself wishing it was me. You know how people say they would take a bullet for someone? I would take a bus for this kid. I would take on his leukemia if I could. And the hardest part of it for me is that I am so far away this time around. Guy and I are planning on spending most weekends in Palmdale or Los Angeles with my family where ever they may be at the time as long as we have someone to watch after dear little Cooper.

For all of those who have kept our family in your thoughts and prayers, thank you and I would ask that you continue to do so. I will update this as time goes on and information becomes available. While they are not foreseeing a problem with find Spencer a bone marrow donor , there are thousands of people searching the database everyday for a match. If you are not already registered I would strongly encourage you to do so. More information can be found at the official Bone Marrow Registry Website, www.Marrow.org . Donating bone marrow is a simple procedure and almost always done through outpatient services. You could save a life!

Life (līf) (n.): the general or universal condition of human existence

I’ve lived a fairly charmed life. I had a happy childhood surrounded by friends and family and dogs. My mother has always protected us from the world while still allowing and encouraging us to us to experience it. My father has always been a child at heart, entertaining us, supporting us in all our endeavors with a lighthearted mirth that goes unmatched in my experience and always supplying us with the material and emotional needs we require. My brother Spencer is funny and sweet much like my father, and somewhat shy in a mildly socially awkward and endearing way. I am still ,to this day, best friends with my little brother despite the four year gap between us. For the most part, we have somehow managed to escape the sibling rivalry that people tend to struggle with throughout life and enjoy each other’s company immensely. Needless to say, my family is extremely close and I can only hope that if Guy and I ever have or adopt children that we will be so tightly knit. My love for my family, extended included, is surpassed by no one and no thing and only met by the love I feel for Guy, my future husband and Carly, my very best friend. My whole life I had talked about going far away to college, to Maine, to New York, to study abroad but when the time came to make such decisions I couldn’t bear to be more than three hours away from Spencer or anyone else I love for that matter but especially Spencer. Luckily for me Carly and Guy followed me to San Diego. Hopefully in a couple of years, Spencer will follow suit. For now, my family is a mere three hours away. They are my sentimental Achilles heel, my weakness. I am twenty-one years old and I still cry every time I have to part with my family, as embarrassing as it is to admit. Hot tears manage to escape and splash down the planes of my face, fast and hard, no matter how brave I try to be, no matter how hard I try to keep them contained in the too-small corners of my eyes. I realize there have been times when I have butted heads with my parents, mostly my mother, but I think that’s something I inherited from her, a deeply ingrained passionate nature and an unyielding belief in what I feel is right. My fight has always been stronger than my flight, although in recent years I have learned to choose my battles. Beyond those unmemorable skirmishes our family has always managed to get along fairly well.

Please note that I said charmed and not perfect. We’ve had our share hardships and bad luck. The death of friends and family. Family members who enjoys alcohol more than is healthy. Too many miles between California and the Midwest where the rest of our family resides. A brother who suffered with childhood leukemia for many years and now is on the cusp of learning what the near future of his health will be. Wednesday as I was coming home from a whirlwind road trip to Colorado, I received an unexpected blow. After a few years of good reports and healthy normal blood results, Spencer’s blood counts came back abnormally low. Immediately we were all sent into a deep dark hole of confusion, of unknowing. More tests on Thursday which came back inconclusive but thus far I am considering that a blessing. No cancer cells….yet or at all? Which is it? Guy and I went home to my parent’s house after work on Friday to be with my family and enjoy the comfort that only such close quarters can supply. And now as I sit in the car driving back to San Diego after a too short weekend I am waiting, hoping, praying for a good news but I can’t help but wonder is was this the last normal weekend our family will spend together in the following weeks, months? We went to see Iron Man at the discount theater, all four of us plus Guy and his little brother Luke. We grilled ribs and hamburgers while basking in the beauty of a desert sunset. We all sat around the dinner table enjoying each other’s company, wholeheartedly. Thank God for this weekend. Now, once again, for what feels like the millionth time, I can do nothing but sit back and wait for something to happen. I am both helpless and fearful. What do I do? The answer to that of course is nothing, I can do nothing.. Nothing to help, nothing to soothe, nothing to fix or prevent. Nothing but sit anxiously awaiting something. What do I want to hear? “ Just a false alarm guys, just kidding. We had you going for a while didn’t we? Just a painfully cruel, heart-wrenching joke. You may now return to your regularly scheduled, cancer-free life.” Or maybe just something about a clean bill of health. The truth of the matter is I'm here through thick or thin and Spence knows that but I'd rather the biggest of his worries be the dread of returning to school after a short summer than what he is worried about now.

Brave (brāv) (adj): possessing or exhibiting courage

When I first started writing this I didn't think I had much to say. It was an experiment, to see if I was immersed enough in the world to make valid commentary about it. I was going to be brilliant in my use of literary allusions and book reviews. Now I realize that I am immersed in the world but mostly I don't wish to make such commentary to often. I originally thought that I would be writing this for other people, that I would keep it impersonal and follow current events and as time has gone on I realize I am writing this for myself more than anyone else. I do keep up with current events, I read the newspaper, and sometimes I write about said events but its less news reporter sort of a way and more in a inner commentary sort of way. This kind of writing doesn't often get the readership a news blog would receive but why write something I wouldn't be all too interested to read myself? With that said I am always thrilled to find a new comment on a post I've made, be it one that agrees or disagrees and believe me I get a lot of disagreements fueled by the comments I decide to make.

As much of a personal outlet for both joy and frustration as this has become, very few people who know me in real life know it exists. With the exception of my soon to be husband, who isn't a regular reader or internet user despite his being a computer genius, his roommate who is a close friend of mine and my little brother, Spencer no one I know reads it and mostly, I am the only one who reads it.

Today I challenge myself to step outside of my very small square of a comfort zone and let people know that this exists. To unabashedly promote it to the world. The first step I am going to take is to put a link in my personal email signature so that those that I hold near and dear will be able to both find it and read it, maybe even comment on it. This is step #1.

Grandmother (grānd'mŭth'ər)(noun): the mother of one's father or mother.

My Grandmother still gets mail in my grandfather's name. He passed away nine years ago. On each one she writes deceased in the handwriting her husband knew and returns it to the sender. I can't figure out if it hurts her more that they don't care he's not here to check the mail or if it its worse that she knows that there have been hundreds of credit card offers and coupons and charities asking for money, hundreds of letters that he never had the chance to open. When I see his name on those letters laying on the kitchen table it reminds me that he lived in this house for a very long time and he held me in his lap just as he had my father, in this house and told me stories in this house and loved me in this house.