Hospital (hŏs'pĭ-tl) :an institution in which sick or injured persons are given medical or surgical treatment.

After spending so much time at the hospital in the past couple of months it is inevitable that I eventually write something about. I love Children's Hospital Los Angeles, I just hate being there because it means that something is wrong. Spencer is sick. He is not at home filling the space with brilliant laughter and humorous insight. His commentary on the world has dwindled down a few words a few times a day and smiles are even less frequent. He is getting better. Slowly but undeniably.

This place is full of hope. There is the hope of a normal healthy life. It is replete with kids that will experience life because the medical attention they received in the hospital has saved their lives. It is a hospital where families find doctors who love children and treat them with the utmost respect. It is a place where people come broken and leave fixed.

On that ridiculously sentimental note I leave you a poem that is displayed in the garden attached to the hospital.

I am a butterfly. I live in the hospital.
I wear a red dress with silver glitter.
I sleep on a little couch made of leaves.
-Yajuira, 13

Shiver (shĭv'ər) (adj.): to shake or tremble with cold, fear, excitement, etc

Shiver
by Rachel Brandt

"Wake up. Come on. Its time to get up."
His voice is sweet and soft
Mr brother stands beside him
a twin born thirty years late
He is bundled in mittens,
scarf and jacket.

It is cold outside
the air, still and frigid
No streetlight
pitch black
"Careful , don't trip."

My breath comes out in
sharp misty clouds before me
Lying down, the concrete below me is solid
flat. Like a frozen lake in January
The crinkle crunch of my jacket
breaks the silence

The three of us, we lie in a row
Three tiny dots on the earth's surface
calm as we wait for the world
to shatter
Shivering, we watch, anticipation
a hand flies up "There!"
a star falls
burning out of existence

Out loud we wish on each one
"Its a meteor, you know, not even a star" I say
"Just pretend for a while" is his reply
So I do

Hope (hōp) (n.):the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best:

My faith has been exhausted. Hope is all I've got left and let me tell you, it is in short supply. I knew this day was coming. I've known for a week. I am waiting for that feeling of utter devastation to wash over me and yet nothing. I can feel nothing. I have run out of tears, but not for long I know. For the first time in a long time I truly believe ignorance is bliss. I've always been that curious kid. The one with all the questions; the just because questions. Now, I don't want to know. What don't I want to know? I don't want to know that my baby brother has cancer for the third time in his sixteen year life and that the following months are going to be hard on us all, especially him.

His prognosis meeting was today. He's relapsed although that much we already know. He will have chemotherapy, starting when his leukemia cells hit 25%. They are at 10% now. They caught this pretty much as early as they could have which is always a good thing. He has an echocardiogram tomorrow and after that its sort of a waiting game. They are looking for a bone marrow donor. I don't match although we do have the same blood type which may come in handy in the future. Hopefully we will get a more detailed timeline within the next two weeks. He can't go back to school in the fall and they've already started working with a social worker to set up something, probably a guided independent study program. The doctor are confident. My parents are confident. Spencer is confident. I am confident. We can do this.

He looks so healthy. You would never look at him and think that kid's sick. It seems like every few minutes I find myself wishing it was me. You know how people say they would take a bullet for someone? I would take a bus for this kid. I would take on his leukemia if I could. And the hardest part of it for me is that I am so far away this time around. Guy and I are planning on spending most weekends in Palmdale or Los Angeles with my family where ever they may be at the time as long as we have someone to watch after dear little Cooper.

For all of those who have kept our family in your thoughts and prayers, thank you and I would ask that you continue to do so. I will update this as time goes on and information becomes available. While they are not foreseeing a problem with find Spencer a bone marrow donor , there are thousands of people searching the database everyday for a match. If you are not already registered I would strongly encourage you to do so. More information can be found at the official Bone Marrow Registry Website, www.Marrow.org . Donating bone marrow is a simple procedure and almost always done through outpatient services. You could save a life!

Life (līf) (n.): the general or universal condition of human existence

I’ve lived a fairly charmed life. I had a happy childhood surrounded by friends and family and dogs. My mother has always protected us from the world while still allowing and encouraging us to us to experience it. My father has always been a child at heart, entertaining us, supporting us in all our endeavors with a lighthearted mirth that goes unmatched in my experience and always supplying us with the material and emotional needs we require. My brother Spencer is funny and sweet much like my father, and somewhat shy in a mildly socially awkward and endearing way. I am still ,to this day, best friends with my little brother despite the four year gap between us. For the most part, we have somehow managed to escape the sibling rivalry that people tend to struggle with throughout life and enjoy each other’s company immensely. Needless to say, my family is extremely close and I can only hope that if Guy and I ever have or adopt children that we will be so tightly knit. My love for my family, extended included, is surpassed by no one and no thing and only met by the love I feel for Guy, my future husband and Carly, my very best friend. My whole life I had talked about going far away to college, to Maine, to New York, to study abroad but when the time came to make such decisions I couldn’t bear to be more than three hours away from Spencer or anyone else I love for that matter but especially Spencer. Luckily for me Carly and Guy followed me to San Diego. Hopefully in a couple of years, Spencer will follow suit. For now, my family is a mere three hours away. They are my sentimental Achilles heel, my weakness. I am twenty-one years old and I still cry every time I have to part with my family, as embarrassing as it is to admit. Hot tears manage to escape and splash down the planes of my face, fast and hard, no matter how brave I try to be, no matter how hard I try to keep them contained in the too-small corners of my eyes. I realize there have been times when I have butted heads with my parents, mostly my mother, but I think that’s something I inherited from her, a deeply ingrained passionate nature and an unyielding belief in what I feel is right. My fight has always been stronger than my flight, although in recent years I have learned to choose my battles. Beyond those unmemorable skirmishes our family has always managed to get along fairly well.

Please note that I said charmed and not perfect. We’ve had our share hardships and bad luck. The death of friends and family. Family members who enjoys alcohol more than is healthy. Too many miles between California and the Midwest where the rest of our family resides. A brother who suffered with childhood leukemia for many years and now is on the cusp of learning what the near future of his health will be. Wednesday as I was coming home from a whirlwind road trip to Colorado, I received an unexpected blow. After a few years of good reports and healthy normal blood results, Spencer’s blood counts came back abnormally low. Immediately we were all sent into a deep dark hole of confusion, of unknowing. More tests on Thursday which came back inconclusive but thus far I am considering that a blessing. No cancer cells….yet or at all? Which is it? Guy and I went home to my parent’s house after work on Friday to be with my family and enjoy the comfort that only such close quarters can supply. And now as I sit in the car driving back to San Diego after a too short weekend I am waiting, hoping, praying for a good news but I can’t help but wonder is was this the last normal weekend our family will spend together in the following weeks, months? We went to see Iron Man at the discount theater, all four of us plus Guy and his little brother Luke. We grilled ribs and hamburgers while basking in the beauty of a desert sunset. We all sat around the dinner table enjoying each other’s company, wholeheartedly. Thank God for this weekend. Now, once again, for what feels like the millionth time, I can do nothing but sit back and wait for something to happen. I am both helpless and fearful. What do I do? The answer to that of course is nothing, I can do nothing.. Nothing to help, nothing to soothe, nothing to fix or prevent. Nothing but sit anxiously awaiting something. What do I want to hear? “ Just a false alarm guys, just kidding. We had you going for a while didn’t we? Just a painfully cruel, heart-wrenching joke. You may now return to your regularly scheduled, cancer-free life.” Or maybe just something about a clean bill of health. The truth of the matter is I'm here through thick or thin and Spence knows that but I'd rather the biggest of his worries be the dread of returning to school after a short summer than what he is worried about now.

Comic (kŏm'ĭk)(adj): Amusing; humorous

Comic-Con 2008!